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Light humour
#1
[Image: smiley-laugh-feathers-icon-01.jpg]



-------------------------------------------
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.


------------------------------------------------------
A fat guy and a thin guy meet:

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”


------------------------------------------
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."


---------------------------------------
An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"

 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
 
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"


--------------------------------
Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"



-------------------------
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."


-----------------------------------------
A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.


“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”


-------------------------------------
Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.


Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?


-------------------------------------------------------

Police: Where do u live?


Me: With my parents

Police: Where does ur parents live?

Me: With me

Police: Where do u all live?

Me: Together

Police: Where is ur house?

Me: Next to my neighbors house

Police: Where is your neighbors house?

Me: If i tell you u wont believe me.

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house Tongue


--------------------------------------------

Exams are like Girl friends

- Too many questions
- Difficult to understand
- More explanation is needed
- Result is always fail!


------------------------------------------------------
Teacher Fell Asleep In Class And A Little Naughty Boy Walked Up To Him,

Little Boy : “Teacher Are You Sleeping In Class?”
Teacher : “No I Am Not Sleeping In Class.”
Little Boy : “What Were You Doing Sir?”
Teacher : ” I Was Talking To God.”
The Next Day The Naughty Boy FellAsleep In Class And The Same
Teacher Walks Up To Him
Teacher : “Young Man, You Are Sleeping In My Class.”
Little Boy : “No Not Me Sir, I Am Not Sleeping.”
Angry Teacher: “What Were You Doing.??”
Little Boy : “I Was Talking To God.”
Angry Teacher: “What Did He Say??”
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday” ::-) :-D


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

------------------------------

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

-------------------------------

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

--------------------------------

A: I have the perfect son. 

B: Does he smoke? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: Does he drink whiskey? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: Does he ever come home late? 
A: No, he doesn’t. 
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? 
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

------------------------

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"


-----------------------------------------

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle." At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

---------------------------------------

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

---------------------------------------------



Q: What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?

A: Forget it once!

---------------------------------------------------------

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.
 -
Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

----------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
 
It’s when the blind try to read your face.

---------------------------------------------------------------

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say, 

‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

--------------------------------------------------------------

Smile and the world smiles with you. Fart and the world suddenly stops smiling.

------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

----------------------------------------------------------

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

-------------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

--------------------------------------------------------

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

---------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is Google male or female? 

A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

------------------------------------------------------

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

---------------------------------------------------

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

---------------------------------------------------

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
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#2
Always great to have a chuckle
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#3
Hehe, some very good jokes. Big Grin
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#4
Updated Smile

A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?” 


The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.” 

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” 

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
----------------------------

That awkward moment when your entire Math class is discussing whether the result is 15 or 16 and your answer is -1053.


--------------------------------------------
A five-year-old Mikey asks his Grandpa, “Grandpa, what do you call it when there are two people on top of each other in bed?”

-
The Grandpa feels very uncomfortable but decides not to confuse the child and bravely says, “That’s intercourse, my boy.”
-
“OK,” nods Mikey and off he goes.
-
He comes back after five minutes and says, “Grandpa, that’s not right. I’ve just spoken to mom and she said that it’s not called intercourse but a bunk bed!”

-------------------------------

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building: “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?


“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.

Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”

Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“

----------------

The person who thought it’s a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didn’t have any siblings.

---------------
I played our wedding video backwards yesterday. It really cheered me up to see how I take the ring off my wife’s finger, get out of the church and go drinking with my best friends. 


------------------------------------
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#5
the best one for me is this
Little Boy : “God Said He Never Spoke To You Yesterday” ::-) :-D
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#6
Couple of decades ago, one of the husbands was working abroad and wrote a letter to his wife.
He wrote:

My dear love,
A lot of love from me. In this month, I've sent 100 kisses instead of salary.
Please take them. With love,
your love.

Wife replied:

I've taken all the love sent by you as well as the kisses.
The driver took 2 of them.
Pinky's tutor asked for 7.
The milkman didn't convince at 7, so gotta give him 9.
The laundry boy takes 5 daily.
And, the landlord doesn't only convince with kisses, need to give him your loves too.

You don't worry. If kisses and love came short, I'll borrow from someone.

With love,
Your love.

:rofl:

------------------------------------------

[Image: Piracy-Is-Environmental-Friendly.jpg]

----------------------------------

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

-----------------------------

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying [email protected]#rd!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying [email protected]#rd for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

-----------------------------

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the Circumstances, and asked him the following Questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this

case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD
player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:
" Regular POLISH REMOVER"

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up.

*Nobody stands up*

Teacher: I'm sure there are some stupid students over here.

*Little Johnny stands up*

Teacher: Ohhh, Johnny you think you're stupid?

Little Johnny: No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone... Tongue


:lol:

-------------------------------------

[Image: aVzN7Nv_460s_v2.jpg]

-----------------------

A priest offered a lift to a lady. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

------------------------
Husband - Darling, years ago you had a figure like coke bottle.

Wife - Yes darling, I still do, only a difference is - earlier it was 300 ml now it's 1.5 lt

--------------------------

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

1. Not everyone who sh1ts on you is your enemy
2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh1t is your friend
3. And when you’re in deep sh1t, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!!!

------------------------------------
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#7
lol this one
Little Johnny: No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone.
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#8
Mathematics

Teacher: if you had one dollar and asked your Uncle for one more dollar, how much would you have in total?

Student: One dollar.

Teacher: You don't know your Maths .... Angry Angry Angry

Student: You don't know my Uncle !!!!



-------------------------------------------------------------

Damned Egg


An African man and Englishman lived next door to each other.

The African owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The African man ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the African man said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the African man put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The African man smiled and said, "You can keep the damn egg!!"

------------------------------------------------


When Fred found out he is going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father would die, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy all the money he would get.


So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother!



----------------------------------

My wife and me were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have s_x?"


"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

----------------------------------------------------

Knock Knock ...


Somebody knocks on door:
- Who is there?
- Police?
- What do you want?
- We want to talk.
- How many of you are there?
- Two.
- So talk with each other.


-----------------------------------------------------

A mortician was working late one night.


He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband texts to wife on

cell..
"Hi,what r u doing
Darling?"
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband jumps with joy
but types "Sweet Heart,
how can I live without
U?"
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying
my hair.."
Husband: "Bloody English
Language!! 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Image: 13485459.jpg]

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Teacher: why did you laugh.? Angry


.
Boy: I saw a strap of your bra.
.
.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you for a week. Angry Angry 
..
Another boy laughs.
Teacher: why did you laugh? Angry 
.
. Boy: I saw both straps.
Teacher: GET OUT. No class for you
for a month. Angry Angry 
..
She bends down to pick a chalk
and little Johnny starts walking out.
..
Teacher: Johnny why are you
going out.? Angry 
.
. Johnny: with what I saw I think
my school days are over.




------------------------------------------------------------

[Image: 13514299.jpg]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy was siting in d toilet when

someone from the adjacent toilet said,
1: Hi, how r u?
He got embarrassed n said,
2: I m fine.
1: So what r u up to?
2: Well, just sitting like u.
1: Can i come over?
2: No! R u crazy?
1: Listen I will call u back.There is
an idiot in d other toilet answering my
questions...


----------------------------------------------------

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying..


2+2, the son of a [email protected] is 4.

3+6, the son of a [email protected] is 9.. Tongue


His Mom: What are you doing? Angry


Boy: I'm doing maths homework. -_-

Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?


Boy: Yes.


Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- 'What

are you teaching my son in maths?'


Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

Mom: You teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a [email protected]

is 4? Angry

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the

sum of which is 4... :lol: :lol: :lol:

---------------------------------------------

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. 


The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. 

The undertaker asked,"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" 

The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

------------------------------------------------------------

[Image: funny_picdump_411_640_16.jpg]

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Could i go Back in Time ?


Husband (watching a video)Big Grinon't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Awww damn !!! He actually did it! What a dumb a5s!!! Angry Angry Angry Angry Angry
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What are you watching?
Husband: Am watching our wedding ceremony !!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wedding Anniversary Gift


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning, Bob got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale !!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

One More Final Wish ...


A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died.
Upon arrival in heaven, The lord said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you
one wish before I let you into heaven."

The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to the Lord and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish.
The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing.
At this point a Man at the very back of the Line starts to laugh.

The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also.
And the man at the end laughs even louder.

One after another, the people wish for the same thing.

The closer Lord gets to the end of the line, the harder the man Laughs.
When The lord finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?"
The man at the end of the line says,: "Make them all Ugly again !!!!!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Best Dog names


A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were??

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and other was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!!!! 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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#9
Very Touchy story:  

"Husband forgot to wish her on his Wife's birthday.

He came home late at night from the office .....

His wife shouted: How would u feel if u dont see me for next few days? Angry 

He couldnt believe his luck. He replied at once.'' Wowww.....That would be great..!''

Monday passed & he didn't see her. 

Tuesday he didnt see her
.


& wednesday passed too :o 


On Thursday the swelling was better & then he could see her from the corner of his left eye... 

-------------------------------------

A woman goes to a priest with a problem.
"Father," she told him. "I have rescued 2 female parrots from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they say is: "wanna have some fun?" "
"THATS TERRIBLE!" exclaims the priest. "But i think i can help. Bring your parrots over at my house. I have 2 male parrots who I have taught them to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying the terrible phrase."
The next day the woman brought her parrots to the priests house. His two parrots were holding beads and praying quietly in their cage. 
The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine. "Hi, wanna have some fun?" 
One male parrot looked at the other one and said: "Put those beads away, our prayer has been answered!"

--------------------------------------------

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking tea when
he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a
clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts
his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr. Mandela smiles and says "look young man...you've got the wrong man"

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson
Mandela yells at him, "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says, "Aren't you Nissan Main Dealer?"

=========================

[Image: do_you_smoke_jokes.jpg]

====================

Boy to doctor: my gf is pregnant but I used precaution.

Doctor: let me tell you a story.

One day a hunter went to hunt a Lion. When the lion was in front of him, he suddenly realised that he had forget to bring the gun. Then the hunter pointed his fingers towards the lion as if he is firing shot on the lion and said, 'boom'. The lion was dead.

Boy: bullsh!t. Someone else must have fired the shot!

Doctor: EXACTLY!

=================================
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#10
man takes his wife to a disco. 
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large 
- break dancing, moon walking, back flips, 
the works. The wife turns to her husband 
and says: 
"See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me 
and I turned him down.
" Husband says: 
"Looks like he's still celebrating" 

===================================

Wrestling is not FAKE:

[Image: RiE53rh.gif]






[Image: YcDycaG.gif]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised Idea that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. 

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

=======================

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says, “Ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…
Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches, but it was completely empty…
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

====================

[Image: Single-vs-married-Girls-vs-boys.jpg]

=================

[Image: Funny-drug-taking-meme.jpg]

[Image: Funny-mouse-picture.jpg]
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